The Bitterness of a Broken Heart

Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash

When it comes to risking getting my heart broken I’m part of the “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” group. It’s been painful but each time I’ve managed to put the pieces back together and learn a thing or two about myself.

Today, however, as I was talking to my girlfriend about my plans for the future, I realized that I had gotten my heart broken by my career. My professional dream hadn’t come true even though I did everything right. I risked everything, I worked day and night, I sacrificed and got knocked down and back up again. I received rejections every day as friends and family were telling me to get a real job as a backdrop to my self esteem.

It’s such a cliche and why? Because ladies and gentleman, that dream was to be a successful actress. I know. I’m the laughing stock of everyone with some sense of planning and stability. The thing is, as I grew older, I’m 34 now, I started to dabble with writing and directing and became more in tune with the entire creative process of theater and filmmaking which is all I’ve ever really felt truly passionate about and I continued to grow and expand in a wonderful way so it never felt like I hit a wall or anything like that.

I’ve always felt so lucky to have found my passion. To have a purpose and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I used to thank my lucky stars that I knew what I wanted because I could see that some family members and close friends were in constant internal struggle to find something that gave meaning to their lives. I still believe this to be true. However the other side to that “passion” coin is that when things don’t work out. When your efforts aren’t rewarded, you take it personally. It’s a real hit to the heart because you had to believe in yourself and your art with a burning passion and in the end nothing was earned except knowledge and experience maybe?! “Come on! Seriously. Where’s my payoff?” — I screamed alone in my room. I gave up my country, friends, family, my comfort and worked relentlessly and cashed in everything I’ve ever owned to make my dream come true and… nothing?

I’m not a believer of God but at this point of profound disillusionment even I was screaming “Why God? Why?”. Alas… there was no response and I was left with a broken heart. Yes, it’s that bad because much like falling in love, I trusted this path and gave myself to it entirely and I was betrayed. I know it sounds over the top but today I realized that the emotions I have been feeling these past couple of years have been that of bitterness due to a broken heart. And I’m processing it much like I would if a romantic relationship had ended.

How can I trust this artistic path again? Should I trust my heart to it? I have been at a crossroads for 2 years now because I hadn’t yet made a decision on where to go next. Should I continue pursuing this craft with all my heart and risk having it broken again or should I change career altogether and put all of my effort on another path that doesn’t enflame me as much and may compensate me more sensibly?

Today my heart is telling me to go forth with my storytelling because it’s the only thing that moves me deeply. In fact it’s the only thing with the capacity to break my heart because of how much I care about it. “So that is it! I have decided” — I exclaim to my girlfriend in the middle of the cafe where we’re sitting sipping coffee. “It’s better to risk breaking my heart again because of the real love I feel for this craft than following a loveless path that may betray me in the end anyway.” The lesser of two evils? The way I’m seeing it right now, life is going to kick my ass no matter what, so I might as well care for what I do in a real way! Publish story. Open LinkedIn and search for remote job for actress or director… 0 results found. And so it begins…

To conclude. A year prior to meeting my now girlfriend and the love of my life, I had been in a very toxic and crappy relationship where my trust in her was abused and my heart ripped to shreds. One of those experiences that create trauma that can affect how you see love and relationships in the future. When I met my now girlfriend I had a similar internal conversation alone in a leafy park. “Should I trust again? I’ve barely glued myself back together. Is it safe to go all in with her? — Yes because it’s better to love and lose than never to love at all. In my heart of hearts I knew that there is only one noble answer. Love. Trusting again was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my whole life. And it came in a moment when some might have considered imprudent and downright stupid to give myself to someone again. I choose love over fear once again because I prefer to have ups and downs from that premise than the latter. I choose love.

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THE TRUE TRUE with Pattie Martins

THE TRUE TRUE with Pattie Martins

A place where universal truth, doubts, fears and aspirations are confessed and discussed. Let’s get rid of all the noise and discuss some truths!

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