When the Mind Changes the World Opens up Again
I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I love the lyrics to this song. I suddenly see clearly again. It’s strange how it happens suddenly without warning. I have been searching for a new direction for some time now. I am a storyteller through theater and film. I create in all capacities, acting, writing, directing and it all came to a standstill when I came to a moment inside myself where my faith in myself and the industry wavered… I didn’t think that it was wise to continue living dangerously as us artists do. I’m in my thirties and figured I needed to search for a more secure means of income and lifestyle. However, in my attempt to achieve it, I felt lack of motivation to get out of bed just for the sake of paying rent and expenses.
I was lost and didn’t know what else to do with the skill set I had learnt so arduously in my artistic path. As it turns out, I was just on a break. In one of the days in which I got out of bed and looked around aimlessly for something meaningful to do it suddenly hit me! I only want to do one thing and that is art. I want to tell stories and even though it’s so difficult and a constant struggle, the alternative is so much worse.
I much prefer to be me entirely even if it’s not the secure path. As this epiphany came about in a cold winter breeze, the clouds above me opened and I knew who I was again. I feel like myself once more and my life once again has meaning even though I’ve just had this thought and no concrete actions have come of it yet.
I already feel the wheels turning in my mind. I am motivated and inspired again. It all seems worth it once more and the pause feels like temporary insanity. It’s ironic because my intention was to be more sensible and responsible. I guess the joke’s on me! As it turns out, for me personally, there is no sense in doing a 9–5 job or a “normal” alternative to my unforgiving artist’s struggle. It’s the only responsible thing for me to do actually because of the stuff that I’m made of. I suppose, the bitterness of not having achieved the much desired “success” in my field by the time I reached my thirties made me put into question if it was worth continuing to strive to get my films made.
Yes it is. Mainly because the doing of it, the process of creating is what matters. So I guess I’ve learned a valuable lesson with regards to being an artist. It’s all about the journey of creation and not the destination. I already knew it deep down but I guess I let myself get caught up in the”general” idea of success by comparison to other people my age who have a mortgage and planned vacations. I wanted to be a grown up and get serious about my lifelong plan. How silly of me. There is no joy to be found there! One can only get lost in other people’s perspectives of a successful life. I’ve always followed my own internal compass but fear got the best of me this time. It can happen and it will probably happen again. It feels good to have realized this in time and to have found my way home again.
I put a lot of symbology onto the shoes that I wear. I know it’s superstitious and silly but it’s been a quirk of mine for some time now. I’ve realized that when my mental switch turned, was on the day that I took off my sneakers to give to a homeless guy that was barefoot. I was close to my building and he was completely barefoot in winter so I took them off and gave it to him, of course they were too small but I figured it was better than nothing. I hadn’t even considered that I was giving my chosen life path away. That’s what my shoes symbolize for me. My paths, past, present and future. I never really liked those sneakers. They didn’t feel like they were mine because I’m a boots kind of girl.
As it turns out, having no other footwear options at home, I went into the back of the cupboard and dusted off my pink swede boots from before I had my existential doubts. I went out in them and they fit just right. I feel like myself again. The world looks different too. There are more subtle signs of encouragement here and there and I can prospect an inspired path now. I took a wrong turn and walked in the wrong shoes for a while but I understood just in time and recovered my soul from the sickness it had caught and I can walk ahead now knowing that the joy is in the walking and in the shoes that I’m walking in which must be mine no matter what.
I will now take care to not put my worth on any expectations that may cling to my heel like a piece of old gum. And when they do, I’ll see to scrape it off and just keep walking or skipping if my heart is in a singing type of mood.